Starting a new blog is always difficult, isn’t it? I have a blog for writing about my social life, my friends, family, every fun event that happens. But I find myself wanting to reach out more. It’s hard for me, knowing everyone I know is reading it, to ever be that personal. I don’t mind if people I don’t know read, but the people I do know look for a certain standard now, which I can’t always live up to. Maybe I’m too guarded. Everyone thinks I’m so open. And in a sense, I am. I put my whole life on display, minus my feelings of course. I’m not saying I’ll keep this one more secluded forever, but maybe if I start out being a little more honest…One day I can share. So honesty,eh? Where do I start with that? I have a hard time with it, even to myself. Who is honest these days, anyway? It seems we’re all fake to a point now. God, I’m so much more weak than I let show. I am confident. I do have too many friends, too much going on, never a moment to breathe. I do have a wonderful, loving, perfect husband that I also call my best friend. I am so happy. That scares the crap out of me. Who is this happy? Every once in a while I have slight panic attacks, afraid my dude is going to die or something. As morbid as this sounds, I honestly (there’s that word again) pray that I die first.
I choose not to admit that he means so much to me. And in ways, he’s not. I’m always busy, we’re not glued at the hip, we have healthy, separate, independent lives. But without him I would definitely be a mess. He’s seriously my other half, he balances me, and it fits oh so perfectly. So in that sense, he is my everything. I cringe at admitting it though. What else for honesty? I married the first guy I slept with. I married the first guy I slept with on October 3rd. This year. I didn’t really plan in that way, and friends tell me I’m a freak incident. It’s true, but what can you do? So far, so good. We’re both still alive, that’s a start.
I have so much stored inside me right now that I want to get out, I don’t know how to start or how to be organized about it. I don’t talk about anything anymore ,I barely even let myself think about it. I want everyone, including myself, to think I’m perfect and always perfectly fine. I don’t even know if I want to try. I guess more than anything, I’m angry in many ways.I’m angry at petty, silly things. I’m angry my other blog only allows comments from people bloggging on their site. That’s so selfish dude. I’m angry at my boss for talking behind our backs, I’m mad that she doesn’t even realize when she lies anymore. I’m angry for heartfelt reasons. I’m angry that I don’t have enough time in the day. I’m mad at myself for wasting time, for hurting peoples feelings, for not being the best friend or wife or sister or daughter I could be. I’m mad at my family. I’m pissed off that in all of their crap, God’s name is being thrown around left and right and everyone in the situation is the holy one, the right one, the better one. I’m hurt–I’m angry that my whole life I’ve had to deal with this, with my families being torn apart, hearing dirt from both sides even as a little girl. I want to yell at the top of my lungs that neither of you are better,all parties here are making God look bad. Stop using him as a scapegoat, please. All of you are turning me away from religion, from you and what you stand for,making me want to find my own way more and more.
Wow. How is that for honest?? Felt really good. I think having a blog to rant to maybe will be easier than I ever thought. Maybe I can do this honesty thing.