It’s weird how life works out. I know they tell us hey, expect anything, live for today, right now is all you have….but how many of us really listen to that? It’s a cliché. It’s something we hear without hearing, say without feeling, and live without listening to.
And then it will randomly hit you, randomly and rather hard it’ll hit you. That—wow. That’s true. What they say about life being really short, about never knowing what will happen…that’s for real. For me, it was about five minutes ago as I did my regular stalking via facebook. I was clicking through pictures and found out a seventeen year old girl that used to flirt with my brother has a beautiful baby now. Maybe that’s not quite death but at seventeen, it’s got to be hell sometimes. For me, living for the day isn’t just saying live in case you might die. It’s an anything can happen kind of deal. More than just death happens. Life happens. Babies happen. Break-ups happen. Broken hearts happen. Mistakes happen. Life changing moments happen. Betrayal happens. Shit happens. There’s happy times and low times and in between ‘I’m doin’ alright’ times. No matter what the circumstance, there should be a realization that life, whether death be involved or not, is going to change. It’s going to change a lot, and we have nothing to do but to deal with it. I struggle with taking things for granted. I don’t go see my parents enough. I’m mean to my husband. I act on my temper before I think things through. I have the mentality that life works or my terms, and what I have is forever. But it’s not.
Boy in the green. I still can’t look at pictures of this boy without tearing up. How life can change so much in less than two years, How someone can go from always being there to not being there at all,ever ever again–still baffles my naive heart.The picture was my nineteenth birthday and I was going through what I thought was the hardest time of my life. (It wasn’t.) My brother and this kid convinced me to buy them both cigarettes after eating and we all smoked (thinking we were oh so cool) in a closed pizza’s parking lot. It was a small moment out of millions, but one that cheered me up and I still think back on and smile. How can this picture be amongst my hundred of others like it’s just any other normal picture? How can the recollection be so nonchalant, like I should be able to just call this kid up and laugh about it right this moment? It seems if he’s gone, these casual pictures and memories would also disappear. But it doesn’t work that way. Memories remain and what is a for sure thing continues feeling so indefinite, like a practical joke or a lie. It’s a subject I rarely talk about because it’s really hard to go there. Because sometimes when life changes, sometimes that change does mean death. It still doesn’t seem real, it seems like he should be outside playing football or doing other best friend things with my brother right now. Or talking with his parents, or flirting with a girl, or about to graduate high school in three months. But it doesn’t work that way.
Falling asleep at the wheel happens. Car accidents happen. Tears and sadness and letting go happens. I guess what I’m getting at is we don’t control what happens. It just happens, and all we can do is be prepared for that. Prepared,not in the sense of waiting for it to happen, but living so that if it did–You don’t regret a single thing. Tell life. Grab it by the balls. Say, listen here life, this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to go see my mommy and daddy more. I’m going to hold my baby sister every chance I get . I’m going to be the best friend I can be, I’m going to hug the crap out of everyone. I’m going to write a book, travel the world, let go of my anger and make millions of friends, smile and laugh until my mouth freakin’ hurts. I’m going to use protection when I’m doing it until I don’t want to anymore and then you know what ? I’m going to have a cute little kid. Maybe two. Maybe five. I’m going to make everyday an adventure, every breath a lasting one, every person around me as happy as I strive to be. I will go on walks for the heck of it, listen to my husbands heart beat just to remind myself it won’t beat forever, I will go random places and take too many pictures and eat way too much. I am not going to wait, I am going to live as much as I can right now. And, you know what else, life? We’re going to miss him every single day for a really long time. Maybe forever. When that song comes on, that picture shows up, that beautiful smile pops into our heads, When we really want to invite him to lunch but can’t because you took him away from us—we’re going to really miss him and it’s going to hurt really bad. But that’s okay. Because that boy told you what was up, he lived you hard and with a passion. Life happened and death happened but no matter what happened, That boy lived and he lived without hesitation. He is and will always be my constant reminder to live, to not wait, to hold onto everybody you have for as long as you possibly can, to remember every single breath is something you can never get back, and to always, always Do the happening.