I’m quite the mess.

(A little part of my bookcase. )

I’m a mess. I am completely and totally all over the place. It’s something I really can’t get rid of and have,ultimately,all together stopped trying to. It’s a personality trait. Mention my name to anyone I’m close to and I’m sure you’d get a laugh and an “Oh,Christina…” Followed by a few sentences of  how sporadic,unorganized, over-talkative, and goofy I am. I am the very definition of the word ‘mess’,both inside and out, on paper and through actions. I trip often. I still don’t know how to tie my shoes correctly. Nobody can read my handwriting and a good majority of my college professors have written me notes informing me I need to work on it. I am known for my horrible,fast food eating ways. I take pictures of everything and don’t delete any of them. I am nosy to a fault and have found ways to make people ‘fess up.  I want to know everything about everyone. I am not shy about what I want and if I’m close enough to you I will tell you what you should buy for me on special occasions . I finally tried to make a to do list and it turned into random papers and a five year plan all over my poor refrigerator.

I’m never happy just doing one thing, I’m unsatisfied with myself if I don’t get enough accomplished in 24 hours. I make people drive for me whenever they’re with me because I have major car-anxiety issues. My open-mindedness and un-willingness to make anything easy makes my head even more of a mess. I don’t judge anybody and I try to understand everyone’s point of view and because of this there are always a million ideas floating around in my head. I’m also too nice and this doesn’t help things. We have a strict no-bathroom policy at my retail store and when a woman looked like she needed to go I bashfully pointed her to the bathroom. I was lightly scolded for this but my boss later told me her and the rest of management was talking about what a giving heart I had, so much so that they just couldn’t get me in trouble for it. I don’t know if it’s that I have such a giving heart  so much as it is that I live vicariously and I know what other people are feeling. Especially the urge to go!

(One of my favorite meals. So bad. But so good.)

My beliefs or lack of are another point of mess. When asked at my volunteer interview a few days ago what religion I would say I was, the conversation which was flowing before dwindled a little. “Um. I…I grew up Protestant. I’m not really religious now..I believe in God but I…I don’t know.” Why can’t I just lie or think of something simple,ever? “Oh. So would you say you’re agnostic?” At this point I probably tilted my head like a dog because I’m not familar with that term (I later looked it up) and I didn’t like the way it sounded rolling of the woman’s tongue. It’s a harsh word. So I answered something like “Um. No. Uh..Just put Protestant.” I like the way that word sounds anyway. I don’t know what I am really, but I found I couldn’t quite let go of the Protestant thing. I grew up this way so more than a belief, it’s my safety blanket. Another reason I’m a mess.  I hold onto things.

(We had a fashion show at work the other day. I need this dress for my birthday. Any takers?)

I have journals and loose papers and other random memorabilia in a huge plastic box in our small apartment because I simple can’t let go of the memories. I need to be able to look back on all documentation of my life, smile and remember when. It’s important to me to know who I am and what I’m doing but also just as important to me to remember who I was and what I did.  At the same time and to make me even MORE of a mess…I lose everything. My keys are a constant and just two days ago I locked them in my car. The very next day I left my purse with my id and debit card at the realtors office. I realized when we got home and to put it lightly, I freaked out. “Oh my God. What if somebody stole it.  What am I going to do?! What if it’s gone forever?!” I was even more so a mess than I usually am because I was not instilled at all with a rational,calm factor. My husband is my calm. He spoke in a low, quiet voice and started making phone calls as soon as we walked in the door. “Christina, Go to work. I’ll find it for you,babe. I’ll call around, It’s somewhere, Nobody stole your purse. I’ll leave here as soon as I find out where it is and take it to you. Okay?” A couple deep breaths and two phone calls later he had already found it.

(Boy who puts up with it all)

So yes, I am a mess. That’s me and it always will be. I’m balanced out by those who love me, and I’m more fun to have around because of the usually crazy girl that I am. I say, Don’t change your ‘bad’ parts. Unless they’re life threatening or hurting others, You’re usually more interesting with the mess.  Work on them yes, but more than anything? Work with them and find people who will love you for them. Messiness and all.

11 thoughts on “I’m quite the mess.

  1. Fuck lady, we’re so much alike!

    As you get older, you’ll quit giving a shit about little things.

    I still make whoever I’m with drive because I too have major driving anxiety issues!

    I would’ve assumed life was also over if I thought my purse was stolen…

    I heart your face hoe!

  2. Meg says:

    I think the messiest thing about you is probably your hand writing and your car. Probably your car…hahaha only because I can just barely read your hand writing. I’ve kinda gotten used to it from all the years of reading your diaries =P. And as much as I didn’t like you leaving coke cans in my bathroom, I still smile everytime I think about it. Love you and your mess, darlin.

    And that meal looks so goooooooooood.

  3. I was so surprised when I saw your car for the first time. I picked up a magazine to look at it, but it was stuck to the rest of the stuff on the floor. haha And that dress is adorable on you!

      • Anonymous says:

        If it’s not clean by the time I visit we’ll take a day and make it fun…somehow…lol it’s going to be so hot! I forgot how freaking HOT Texas is. I remember last time I was there, going outside I literally felt fried.

    • A powerful share, I slpmiy given this onto a colleague who was doing somewhat analysis on this. And he in fact purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! However yeah Thnkx for spending the time to discuss this, I really feel strongly about it and love studying extra on this topic. If attainable, as you grow to be experience, would you thoughts updating your weblog with extra particulars? It is highly helpful for me. Large thumb up for this blog put up!

  4. oc says:

    I think it may be a Christina thing. I have huge driving anxiety, I always worry there is something wrong with the car and I can’t even drive on the highways. Nerd alert! So many similarities! It’s those CC traits we have, thank god for people like us or the men like Robby in the world would be soooooo bored. Ha ha! 🙂 otherCC, same quirks

    • ~L, I wrote a comment on your Daddy’s Little Girl post, but soohmew it seems to have lost the whole thing. I can’t recall everything I wrote but I found it to be very profound. Your continued writing from your wounded heart will help you move forward in your journey to wholeness.As soon as I read this post, the first thing that came to my mind was this verse: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31) The reason in one of the darkest times in my life at about the same age as you, I didn’t know how I was going to survive something terrible that happened in my life. These are the words that came to me when I collapsed into the arms of God. The verse sustained me through that difficult time. I hope these words will encourage you too as you wrestle through this phase of your healing, with whatever is dragging you down right now. God will pull you through this and you will renew your strength. Blessings.

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