Trust:reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
I don’t know when exactly I stopped trusting people, exactly. It wasn’t a one day I did, the next thing I didn’t kind of thing. I’m not a negative person and I root for everyone. I hope for the best in all, at arms length, if that makes absolutely any sense. I’m not one of those girls who has been permanently scarred and distrustful because someone screwed her over so bad. Quite the contrary. I’m the girl who has observed, who has unintentionally become a co-conspirator in the process of trust being shattered between two people. I have watched every piece fall, I have been behind the scenes, I have seen every last moment play out up and leading to when the trust is broken. Have I been betrayed by somebody I love with all of my heart? No, I really haven’t. I’ve been broken-hearted and I’ve been hurt, but more or less, I always knew what I was getting myself into. I held the contract in my hands and signed, and there’s nobody to blame but myself for that. People try to make excuses for the mistakes I’ve made. “But you were so young, you didn’t know any better, you were so innocent and naive!” This pisses me off. Don’t give me a way out. I am responsible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, plain and simple. Not everyone gets the chance to say no to being screwed over like I have. And more than once, I’ve seen the whole process of trust being thrown out the window happen like a step-by-step. When you see it all play out like that, when you watch a relationship crumble apart because the main thing holding it up is taken away, you learn to be very wary of who you give that main thing to.
I base my idea of trust on what I’ve gone through, just like anyone else, but in a different sense. I am the third party, but without the innocence. Do I intentionally try to hurt people? No, I honestly don’t. My problem was, and to some extent still is, that I let my emotions get in the way. Whether it be love, lust, hurt, anger…what have you, I completely let my emotions rule me. This has been my downfall since childhood, and it sticks with me to this day. And so I am the guilty third party. I am there and at least somewhat involved, but not enough to face any major consequences. But this is so untrue. I am not without consequence. My consequence is that I suck at trusting you.
My mind goes off of what I know, and what I’ve done. If an 18 year old girl can falter a strong and long term relationship, If a 20 year old girl can screw up a close friendship just by word of mouth, what exactly is trust? It’s not strong at all. It is so easily destructible. One wrong move and that’s it. One person that leads you astray, One secret somebody let slip out…& That’s it. It won’t ever be the same. Game over. I think what I don’t like is, there are so rarely second chances with this trust thing. Once someone takes the big T-word away, it is damn near impossible to ever get it back. But aren’t we as people inclined to make mistakes? Aren’t we going to mess up pretty badly? But trust is so different than just any ‘ole mistake or feeling. Love is important. Friendship and laughter and comradery are important. But trust? Trust is the foundation of the house, the backbone of the body, the …I’m out of fixed expressions for the night. Y’all get it. Without trust, love is just a pretty little feeling,nothing that will ever get you very far in life.
If you’re a fan of Sex and The City, you remember “The Nook.” If you aren’t a fan, (first of all you’re missing out) then let me explain quickly: Carrie cheats on Aiden. She’s used to sleeping with the guy. They have a special little way of cuddling and she falls asleep in his ‘nook.’ They lose the nook after she cheats with her stupid ex (I really dislike Big) , but eventually and slowly, they find it again. My problem is this: I don’t want to ever give anyone the chance to lose the nook that they have with me. I don’t want to have to deal with losing someone’s trust. I don’t want to have to deal with picking up the pieces when I could just hold them all in my hands myself. I don’t want to bare my soul only to have it repeated to somebody I really would rather not have it repeated to. I do not want to open my heart to have somebody walk away with it still in their hands. This is life, however, and it happens. So I tip-toe and I wait. I’m learning to let people in, but slowly, so I have time to learn what exactly the intentions are. My definition of trust is not a normal one, because I think you have to take into account that people will break your trust and have to earn it again. I’ve done it to some of the people who trusted me the most. I’m not perfect, and I regret it, and I’m honestly sorry. Would I do it again? Never. I learned my lessons, and they were lessons I had to learn in time and by hurting some people I love. So what is this trust thing to me? Here’s what my dictionary would look like. (I’d have a bad ass dictionary)