The truth about balls.

A couple of my dear friends decided to bring me homemade chocolate chip cookies at work today. How sweet and innocent right? Sweet and thoughtful, yes.  But are any of my friends ever totally innocent? Not really. I leave work to find this:

Penis and ball shaped balloons on both sides of my car. Note that they had to search the Target parking lot until they spotted my car. Also note I’m outside laughing,blushing and cursing under my breath all at the same time as I am forced to untie two sets of helium-filled male parts from my car. I’m not sure whether I love or hate them more. I guess love, but only because I’m feeling generous today.

So driving home this got me thinking about male parts. Well,not like that, you perverts. You know, the heart and mind and stuff. I’m no expert on the male species, but living with a boy for almost two years now, I do have kind of an up on what goes on inside these dude’s heads. Whether it be from my husband or his friends,(you’d be surprised how open guys are with you once you’re their friend’s wife.) Thought I’d pass on my little bit of knowledge to some of my (mostly) girl readers.

1. Give them what they need first, What they want later.

Guys want sex. This is a given. I mean, they have something that moves underneath their pants when they get excited. So why is it, time and again, once they get it they so often lose interest?  It’s not even so much that they lose interest as it is they can now see your flaws. I’ve questioned my husband a lot on why sex messed things up for so many of his relationships when it happened so soon. He’s not one to beat around the bush. “Because they got annoying after that. ” Sounds bad and mean, but plain and simple, it’s the gosh darn truth. He says that all of things he didn’t see before,he could after the whole intimacy thing.  “It’s all about the thrill of the chase.” Is something else he tells me. When I  asked him why he still was interested in me when the chase was over he replied: “The chase is interesting. But if it takes a while, you learn other interesting things.” So what does waiting do? Well, it makes them see you for who you are, without the confusion that goes along with the big S-word. The truth is,guys are easily confused. When they feel like they could really like a girl and sex gets thrown in too soon, they may be enjoying themselves but the lines between love and pleasure are also being blurred. When you wait a while, you have a solid foundation. The guy is getting to know you slowly, and accepting your flaws one by one at the right time. The harder it gets (ha-ha, get it?) the more respect they are gaining for you. At the same time, they’re still fascinated by you and the mystery that is accompanying what you aren’t giving away. Give that mystery up? You are naked in more ways than one,girl. Everything about you is suddenly a lot more obvious and out in the open, and for the most part (I’ve seen one or two exceptions,tops.), guys aren’t willing to accept a girl for everything she is all at once.  & If the chase is over before you even had a chance to take their breath away? There isn’t much to look forward to, and they’ll move on.  So if you’re wanting fun? Go for it. But if you actually really like the dude and you want this to have a bigger shot of working out? Chances are you should maybe wait a little longer.

2. Don’t be ‘That girl.’

That girl that his friends laugh with him about when you’re not around. That girl that calls a million times a day. That girl that stops by your house just to surprise/check on you, more than a couple of times. I cannot stress how bad it is to be that girl. Guys hate that girl. The rare guy that does seem to like your clingy-ass ways is most likely a crazy-jerk control freak. So unless you’re okay with being told what to do and not having a life of your own for the next 80 years, Don’t be that girl. Robby’s had some doozies,man, and I still hear stories about a few of them. I think one of the first things that attracted my husband to me was that I was very independent. I worked hard, I had a lot friends, I did things on my own. It’s also my downfall because he tells me now and again that he is last on my list and so many other things come first; But truth be told he’d much rather have that then a girl showing up unexpectedly or calling him ten times in a row.  Guys have fragile egos and do desperately need to be needed, but not for everything and not all of the time. Self-sufficiency and having a life of your own is something that a dude will admire about you; Hiding behind things waiting for him to come out of his apartment is not. If I was writing a blog on how to very quickly scare a guy away, I’d tell you to be a clingy psychopath. But I’m not. So don’t.

3. Respect.

Both him and yourself.  Guys need respect. More than that, they crave respect. I’ve heard time and again that where girls need love and affection, Dudes need to be respected. It’s the truth. If you love them with all of your heart but treat them like crap, the relationship will falter. This has been my hardest part of being with Robby because of my awful temper and the actions I jump into without even thinking twice. I go off and say or do things that are just horrible and I’ve done some damage to the poor kid. I find myself constantly going back and trying to fix my mistakes, to unsay what I should have never said or undo what shouldn’t have been done.  But it doesn’t work like that and he’ll still bring up things I said months ago. I can tell him I don’t mean it all I want but the damage has been done. Going off of that, you have to have at least some respect for yourself too. I’ve seen one too many girls try to boost their self-esteem or get over another guy (guilty) by starting a relationship when they weren’t ready to do so. Such a bad idea. Guys can pretty much smell it when you’re scared, overly insecure, not ready for a relationship, or are just all around down-and-out about who you are. If you’re jumping into a relationship when you don’t even like yourself at all, they more than likely will grow to not be so fond of you either. And the closer you get to him, the more your problems will become his.  The things you take out on yourself will now be things you subconsciously take out on him also; And unless you’re sure he’s okay with taking on his issues along with your own, Tread lightly.  Respect in a relationship, for all of those involved, is absolutely essential.

4. Pick your drama, and Show it Slowly.

A couple of my good girlfriends went out tonight. We discussed how guys also have their dramatic moments. Sometimes even more so than girls. But girls are also naggy and bitchy and whiny along with all other sorts of dramatic. Robby puts up with all of it and then some, but it took him a while to get to this point. Had he known all of my issues from day one? He would have ran away and never looked back. It took me months to get to the point where I would comfortably complain about anything pertaining or relating to girl-talk in front of him.  Even now, through all of my moments, I am extremely non-confrontational and I don’t like people ever being mad at me. I think my husband really appreciates that I have so many girlfriends that I get along with easily and rarely fight with. I do have spurts of craziness, but usually either regret it later or someone actually deserved getting said craziness. Either way, it’s few and far between. So yes, go ahead, have your insane moments and let him know that you are a person with a vagina and boobies now and then. They do,after all, appreciate those parts so they need to learn the rules of what goes along with it. But don’t be all drama, all of the time. Save that for your girlfriends on Sex and The City night. They are much more likely to appreciate three hours (or more) of gossip  and bitching over cosmos and Carrie & Big’s big breakup.

7 thoughts on “The truth about balls.

  1. OMG!!!

    I would have tied those bitches to SOMETHING… ANYTHING…

    And let them fly, link a flag out the window while I drove home!!!!

  2. Meg says:

    “The truth is, guys are easily confused.”

    This is such a simple, plain statement, but it carries a lot of weight lol.

    I loved this!i feel so behind on your blog because I don’t own a working computer anymore =( I also lost the link to our friend blog so if you could fbook message it to me taht would be greatly appreciated, lover.

  3. Dear Ms. Christina,

    This is my first visit to your world here, and I must say that I like the confidence and tone of your writing. I’m not offering a literary critique, however, so nevermind all that.

    Actually, I’m stopping to mention one of several thoughts I have concerning your post, more specifically regarding the bit about giving men what they need, and only then what they want.

    The most glaring supposition (and I do realize that this piece reflects your own opinions, that you have not called them facts) is in calling sex a want rather than a need. There are fine arguments asserting that sex is very important to the human well-being, and as a heterosexual woman you’ve no doubt noticed by now how males seem to “need” sex more, as well as more often, than females.

    Your understanding of the male response to sex during the dating game can succinctly be paraphrased thus, I think: a woman can keep her dates coming around longer if she waits to sleep with him; she can engage him in deeper conversation, get to know him better, and give the budding relationship a better chance at coming to a fuller fruition.

    This is true from a 1-to-1 perspective, but you’ve not considered that most men are not serial monogamists. Most men, at least here in Southern California, date several women at a time unless interested enough in one particular lady to justify making her a girlfriend and throwing over the others. This makes an enormous difference.

    If a man keeps dating someone who does not appear to want a sexual relationship with him at the time, one can be sure that his needs (or wants, if you like) are being fulfilled elsewhere.

    Most men I know — and women, too, in fact — have a fairly strict maximum of time they will allow a prospective lover to lead them by the nose like donkeys to a carrot-on-a-stick, the majority of these adults naming three dates as their limit.

    One could argue that it were economical, that it’s too damned expensive to buy dinners and drinks weekend after weekend for a date who apparently wishes to wait until marriage. One could also argue that while Ms. Hard-to-Get is enjoying her role as Kommissioner of Sexual Distribution, the man she’s interested in is deciding whether to indulge her and continue to invest in an unsatisfying situation, or re-evaluate other women with whom he’s previously enjoyed a mutually beneficial night out.

    Either way, your advice ensures one thing: a lady’s date will leave the house thinking, “Maybe this is the night. It should be the night, shouldn’t it?” and sooner rather than later, his dignity will suffer for it. When that happens, he’ll waltz out of her life with the understanding that he values himself more than a string of kisses goodnight can approximate, and he’ll wonder either, “What is wrong with me?” or more likely, “What is wrong with her?”

    Your writing is fun to read and intelligent, and I thank you for doing it so that fellas such as myself can hang out for a few minutes and see what a person such as yourself has in mind about life, the universe, and everything.

    Cheers to you and your awesome blog, Miss.

    Yours Truly,


    • hey botheyesshut! thankyou so much for your opinion and time you took 🙂
      “If a man keeps dating someone who does not appear to want a sexual relationship with him at the time, one can be sure that his needs (or wants, if you like) are being fulfilled elsewhere.” << i think i should have clarified that i didn't mean for a ridiculously long amount of time. getting personal here, my (now) husband and i only waited a month, which was as long as it took for us to get to know eachother sufficiently (or what i thought to be sufficient, i suppose.)
      Great point about the serial monogamists though, I didn't really dwell on that too much here.
      You made me think! 🙂 And I'm glad you enjoyed my blog, I'm off to read yours now!

      • Dear C,

        Yeah, I have enjoyed your blog. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about relationships, et cetera, and I think you’ve inspired me, ha ha. I have a (bad) habit of leaving planet earth for ostensibly lofty subjects, when really my readers would probably get a kick out of hearing my opinions on dating, relationships, or hell, maybe just sex.

        Can a writer just write about sex? Is that done? Would that be unseemly?

        Yours Truly,


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