This summer is already full of so many possibilities and little happiness-es. “Don’t you Evah” by Spoon is on constant repeat in my car and ipod. I smell honeysuckle and other pretty things when I jog outside. I tried my first “cacablanca” (Spanish drink from Dominican Joe’s with coca-cola and coffee cream) at writing club today. Laughter and new and old people are abundant. I have a razor in my car for when I miss a spot. Unless I’m working, I rarely leave the house without a bikini underneath and my feet will soon be permanently wrinkled from practically living in the water. I, who have feared commitment when it comes to best friends for the longest time, am always around a couple of girls who mean the absolute world to me. I, who in her younger high-school days feared she would never lay in bed with a boy, played a game tonight trying to keep in sync with my husband’s breathing as he falls asleep. I, with the Cajun last name and the Italian-tempered heart, will soon be owning a house with her husband and going to a new school all on her own.
I’m the perfect mix of together and alone, of being pushed into the world and having arms to hold me tight , of being friends with everyone but still learning who really matters the most. Learning that it’s okay to have favorites, because really everyone does. Learning the value of a deep,meaningful conversation. Learning that criticism is sometimes positive and encouraging and that I don’t have to shy away from it or argue all of the time. Learning that it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, because too many people think and sometimes it’s just about what I think. Learning that shaving in a best friend’s car is rude (but she’ll still love you afterward) and that if you fall into a bush at night in a bathing suit you’ll have lots of scratches on your ass the next morning. Learning that sometimes you don’t have to entirely let go, but just put yourself at a safe distance. Learning that I usually have to burn before I tan, and make a hell of a lot of mistakes before I learn.
Learning that it’s all a process, This life thing..and its my choice what I make of it all. It’s my choice whether I censor out the bad and remember the good. It’s my choice whether I let this world turn me into a bitter bitch or turn my cheek and still smile when I’ve been hit. Because really, we’ve all been hit. Every single one of us, in one way or the other. It’s what we choose to do with that hit, whether we turn it into a life-builder or breaker. It’s not our parent’s fault or the world’s fault or so-and-so’s friend’s lover’s brother’s fault; They may be the reasons for the impact,but not the outcome. We could play point the finger or the generational blame game all night long but, folks, here’s the truth; It’s up to me who I am. The words I use, the people I let influence me, The amount of power I let someone have over my life…Is my choice. And this may sound cliché or even crazy, but I choose to be happy. I choose to be vulnerable and to open my heart up, because if I keep it closed I’m missing out on the moments that will fill it up. I choose to be close to those I want to be and not worry about what anyone else has to say about it. I choose to forgive because I’ve seen so many choose to forgive me. I choose to try harder with this friend thing, because they always try so hard for me. I choose to always try new things and meet new people even when putting myself out there is scary. I choose to refuse to hate or dislike anyone, because choosing to do so is only going to put anger inside of me that I really don’t want. I choose to love instead,even when I have to count to ten first. I choose to admit that the way I live and the things I say and do and feel…are my choices.
There are things I know I can’t choose. I know I’ll cry at my brother’s high-school graduation on Friday, and I couldn’t stop that if I tried. I can’t change the my family I was born into (nor would I want to change that,ever.) or the bad things I’ve done or the sad moments I’ve witnessed or gone through in my 21 years. But roughly 99.9 percent of the time, I have a choice. That’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.I’m taking control, ladies and gents. & Gah, You wouldn’t believe it. All the choices are simply fascinating.