These flowers are from my lovely husband. I was especially surprised and happy to receive these because the night before I left the dude on the side of the highway. Yes. You read right. I sped off, leaving him alone in downtown Austin. This is a first for me, leaving a husband on the side of the road to die. I should feel very bad, but I’m actually rather proud of myself. Is that bad? Okay,okay. Let me explain a little. We were in a little argument (in which I was yelling and he was getting annoyed) and he pulled over to the shoulder. Husband–he is actually a really dramatic little fellow. He’s walked home from Walmart before (a good hour and a half walk) through sprinklers and traffic, just to prove a point. I told him he wouldn’t walk home, and he did. Alright. Point proven. My turn. He get’s out of the car and says he’ll find a taxi. So here I am pondering. He doesn’t think I’ll leave him. He thinks I’ll yell at him to get back in the car. I sit there for a moment,debating on being a kind and calm wife or going for my pig-headed-bitch side I really wanted to use. I decided on pig-headed-bitch side. I got in the drivers seat and sped off with an evil little smirk on my face. He eventually found a way home (thank-you to my dear friend,Tessa.) and I,being deathly afraid of the highway (For someone who is really not scared of anything,It’s a ridiculous fear. But I’d rather jump off a cliff into flames,probably.) was very proud of myself in making it home in one piece. Did I take the long way home? You betchya. Was my husband pissed? Indeed. Would I do it all over again? Hell yeah. & Did I still somehow manage to get the tie-dye flowers I’ve been longing for brought to me the next night? Sure did. For some reason beyond my understanding, the dude loves me a whole bunch. This got me thinking. I think we all have little annoying things about us that people learn to overlook or love anyway. What are some other awful things about me? Well I made this list, for your viewing pleasure. Ahem.
Reasons you shouldn’t like me. (but probably do anyway.)
– I will usually find a way to get what I want. I have a few annoying tactics. They are the following: Pouting, Asking over and over again, Using puppy dog eyes, Sweet-talking, and when all else fails, using a mixture of all four while repeatedly saying “Please? Please? Pleasseee? I love you. Please?” I used this last one on my boss the other day. I really shouldn’t admit to this because he definitely reads this and I’m sure I’ll never get my way again, but c’mon. I have to share the story, boss-man! It’s just you’re so damn cool. Alright, here goes. So it’s the day that I get back from my three day vacation. I just found out my best friend is coming on Sunday the 11th from Maryland. I also only want to work 15 hours the week she’s here, which is less than half of what I usually do. Mind you, there’s only four of us working at Starbucks, including Tony (boss-man.) and asking for this is really more like asking if he could chop a toe off and hand it to me or something. But it’s worth a shot. He tells me no when I ask. “Please?! I really need it off. Pleasseeee Tonyyyy I love youuuuuuuuu.” And no again when I ask 20 minutes later. And no all day as I consistently ask 50 times more throughout our coffee-making shift together. So I leave him a note before I leave that may or may not have included the words “With a cherry on top.” near the end. I come in the next day and ask if I have that Sunday off, prepared for the worst. “Nope.” I pout and whine. He waits a minute before telling me “Damnit,Christina. You owe me so much. I got you that Sunday off AND you’re only working 15 hours that week.” I was a happy camper the rest of the day. My tactics,annoying as they may be, rarely fail me.
– I don’t completely dry off when I get out of the shower.
– I keep a razor in my purse at all times for when I miss a spot, which is often. You know when I’m really comfortable around you because I occasionally will shave in your car if I find a spot I really missed.
-I make you take pictures of every moment in life we share together. Every moment,damnit. We’re sitting at home watching a movie? Let’s document this. We’re going to get ice-cream together? Let’s get a picture. We’re in class waiting for the teacher to start talking? Alright,lemme turn the flash off. Kodak-moment time! I have a friend now who, everytime she sees my camera, yells at me and practically runs in the other direction.
– If I’m mad or I think you’re mad at me, confrontation is the last thing in the world that I want. I want to ignore you. I want you to leave me alone. I do not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing I care. I’m sure Dr. Phil would say that’s really unhealthy and not normal,especially for someone with a vagina. Venting is good. Releasing anger is good. Speaking your mind is good. Dr. Phil, kiss my ass.
-I drag people along to things they’d probably rather not go to. I bring my friends pretty much everywhere with me (except shopping, I hate clothes-shopping with people. That’s me-time.), and even though I know they hate me for it, they oblige. Writing-clubs. The Social Security office. Two nights ago it was poetry open mic night at a coffee shop, and I made sure one of my best friends and my husband came along. Tessa enjoys it but I think my husband would really rather be anywhere else. But he smiled and encouraged me as I got on the stage not once but twice that night. He knows how big I am on fear-facing and is really sweet about being there for me through whatever new fear it’s time for me to face. I think I’ve almost got this speaking in front of people fear down pat. The next fear I’ve made an appointment to face is donating blood. I pass out when even an eensy amount of blood is taken from my body so I’m thinking someone will definitely have to come along.
-I really hate driving and I’m really bad at it. I get lost easily and get major car anxiety if I’m driving somewhere I don’t know how to get to. I blame this on my dad (love you daddy!), who did the parent taught driver’s ed. He is not a very patient man and would usually end up yelling at me for a majority of the time, probably because I almost killed us everytime he took me driving up and down the road. I think he finally gave up and by the time my license came in the mail, I pretty much taught myself to drive. I can tell you from experience, the drivers (me) they have on the road these days are not fit for being behind the wheel at all. I didn’t know to yield on green when going left, I thought green always meant go. I didn’t really know the difference between the accelerate and reverse pedal either. This cost me a few oopsy-daisies. In the first month of driving I ran into the following, almost all while going in reverse: A fast food joint’s metal railing, a neighbor’s fence, my parent’s tree, and a curb. I’ve gotten a lot better but continue to change lanes too quickly, hate the highway, and scare anyone shitless who is ever forced to drive with me. It’s a work in progress.
– I buy things and then hoard them for months. I bought a cute new bikini the other day and my friend wanted to go swimming right after. I told her “But I don’t have a bikini with me.” She looked at me like I was crazy. “You just bought one.” I got an even crazier look when I responded with “Yeah, but I can’t use that. I keep things in their bags for a while.” “Why!?!?” “So I can look at it. I take it out, look at it…and then use it later.” She recounted this story to another friend a while later and they both thought it was hilarious. This makes perfect sense to me. Apparently not so much to anyone else.