My best friend from Maryland will be here in four days. I’m listening to some pretty sappy music right now that has the words “I never told you what I should have said” placed in the chorus. I’m in my pair of pajama bottoms with the flowers on them that make me feel the cutest. My husband bought me some red wine that I’m in the process of drinking. I think it’s all of this together that is making me want to be truly honest right now, a rarity for me. So this, my friends, is how I really feel. Gulp.
– I’m scared of letting people go, even when it’s time to. My brother’s best friend was killed in a car wreck when they weren’t speaking (over something silly. But isn’t it always?) Ever since, What goes through my mind everytime, even when I know the friendship isn’t good for me anymore is a few crucial words. “What if they die?” I absolutely refuse to have a falling out with a friend for this reason, but even when it could end peacefully, I try to push what’s not even there anymore. Even when my whole heart wants to move on. It drives me crazy because I know moving on and separating is a normal part of life. I know I have to let myself feel what I need to and not suppress my emotions. I know faking a friendship is much worse than parting ways. I know all of this but I can’t help but think of my brother and everything he went through and is still going through and will continue to go through for probably the rest of his life. It’s why I hold onto so many people by tiny little threads; The thought of losing them forever and not being on good terms.
– I’m still learning how to be totally comfortable with my adult body. Lately I’ve been getting more compliments and I’m never sure how to respond. It’s usually on my boobies, butt,and legs. I don’t mind the legs but the other two are actually my weak spots. I know how weird that sounds. I tell everyone I’m a B cup , and that is the size I wear (Never mind if a C would probably work too..I refuse to try it on.) They all look at me like I’m crazy and say “No way you’re a B.” I realize that to 99.9 percent of women would take as a great compliment, but I’m still adjusting and I don’t like hearing that. I was most comfortable as an A. Still, I see that I curve where I’m supposed to and I hear the car honks and dude’s praises and shit. I know,by other people’s standards, I look good. I still can’t get over blushing and feeling awkward. I think It makes me really uncomfortable because I still feel like a kid. My friend and I went swimming today and she’s the same booby size as I am. I was glad to know I’m not alone. She told me “It’s not that I don’t want to be a C…It’s that I feel like that’s a grown-up size. And I don’t want to be a grown up yet.” It sounds silly, but sometimes I still see myself as that freckle-faced twig with over-sized glasses. It’s still weird being a woman with a body that gets attention. Give me another year or so. Okay, Somebody start playing “Not a girl,Not yet a woman” for me please…
-There are things I want to say to people and I really just don’t know how to. There are things I want to take back that I can’t. There are emotions I do not know how to put into words that would make any sense. So I feel what I can’t otherwise through songs. I keep so much inside of me that I would probably explode without my husband and my music. “Heartbreak Warfare.”– John Mayer,” Ignorance”- Paramore , and “American Honey” – Lady Antebellum are three of the one’s that understand me best right now. No making fun of my taste in music, bitches.
– I have spaghetti stains on my shirt and I sort of cut husband out in this picture but I still love it. This boy is just the best. He even gets worried when I don’t put sun-tan lotion on and tells me “You’re gonna get cancer and then I’ll…I’ll lose you.” In his overly-dramatic southern drawl. He is a good person and I’m still learning how to be. He is my husband and best friend but I absolutely do not believe that this means we should be attached at the hip. I do my own thing and he does his. We are together but we also know how to be apart. I went through a phase after I met him (and I could show you this on my old blog but refuse to give anyone the link because I was a complete nut-job girlfriend and confused child for the first 6 months or so I wrote in that thing….if you’ve followed me since the beginning, God bless you.) where I was extremely attached. I know the reason for this was because of..er..intimacy I had never experienced before and I guess getting so clingy as a first-timer is normal? But I look back and almost gag when I read this “He’s my everything.” and “He’s my whole entire world” kind of stuff. Gag. I do love him so freakin’ much but I do not think anybody should ever be someone’s entire world. We actually went through a bad part in our first few months of dating. We almost separated because he was the only person I wanted to be around, ever. I am so glad I snapped out of that crap. One of the main reasons I’m so hell-bent on being independent now is because I really didn’t like who I was back then. It’s weird to me because that’s never who I was before him and it’s insane to me what having sex for the first time can do to a chick. I’d love to do a study on it. Sex. Maybe a documentary even? (Any takers?) The pain I’ve seen girls go through after losing their first makes me ache for them. I personally don’t believe in waiting ’til marriage (Sorry,mother.)but I do believe that sex is something special and powerful for girls until we’ve learned to numb ourselves to it. But in order to numb yourself, you’ve got to go through a lot of hurt first. I’ve seen so many girls go totally wild after losing the dude they lost it to, and I think that’s the only way they know how to numb themselves to the pain. Numbing may not be healthy, but it is normal. Considering I’m already crazy and nymphotic (is that a word?), It’s a good thing I married my first or I’d probably be a hooker by this point. Just kidding, mother.