Being self-admittedly obsessed with Jersey Shore, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have my own reality show. I’ve asked my husband on commercial breaks, “Babe. We could do this right?We could be on one of these shows. We’re entertaining?” He’ll always reply with a chuckle and a nod. I mean, I’m kind of tan and I hang around good looking people. Compare Tessa and I’s Chinese buffet eating picture to that of Jersey Shore.Eh!??! Please, can I have a reality show? Pleeeasseee? Actually,It’s not really me so much as the situations (No, not The Situation. Actual situations) I always seem to end up in that need to be be put on tv. The most random/embarrassing/awkward things always happens to me. The other day at Starbucks for instance. Gah. I need to mentally clear my typing voice for this just to begin. Ahem.Okay here goes.
Christina’s Awkward Life/Take One (That’s what we’d call it,my reality show.):
This lady comes in–She’s with her two preteen-ish looking boys (who I’m pretty sure were homeschooled…I can smell my ((former)) kind from miles away!) I make them their drinks, they sit down. I go on break and also sit down. Soon after,they stand up and begin talking to my coworker, and they’re all soon engrossed in conversation. I am, as always, eavesdropping. It sounds like this mom and her children are predicting my coworker’s future. Is it a psychic family? Are they in the circus? Do they own elephants? I must know! I jump out of my seat and walk up to the front of the counter. I didn’t really know how to be suave about this question pounding in my brain so I just let it out. “Are y’all…..psychic?” I should have just kept my little ass seated. Let me take you step by step here.
She responds with “Oh, no. We’re in this workshop where God speaks to us and tells us things about people .“ Crap. Okay, listen. I believe in God. I love God. God and I? We’re cool. But conversations with holy rollers (no offense to holy rollers out there) about religion makes me really uncomfortable. My grandparents, bless their hearts,did their best to instill speaking in tongues and running around in circles while praising Jesus into my heart at an early age. I think this scarred me and my childhood because it didn’t work. It just makes me scared and slightly irritated. I want to run away at this moment but I instead force a smile on my face and nod. She continues. ” Do you mind if I try this on you? What we’re trying to do is pick up any item we may see and God is going to tell me how it describes you right now. “ Wait, What? I try to find a way out of this but my heart is beating too fast and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or get asked if I want to accept Jesus into my heart. And I am slightly curious about what the hell she’s talking about. So I meekly mumble “Okay.” with that fake smile still plastered on my face. I do not lie,She starts picking up random Starbucks items and telling me how this relates to me and my life. God is apparently telling her how I relate to a stick of gum. Funny enough,All of her heaven sent descriptions were actually pretty much the exact opposite of me. Here’s how this went down:
First, she picks up the chewing gum. She tells me “You like to chew on things.” I didn’t understand at first that she didn’t mean this literally so I just sit there,dumbfounded, nodding my head up and down. Yes. Gum is good. I like to chew on it. Sometimes I even chew on my fingernails if I’m really bored. This lady is onto something. But then she continues. “Yes. You like to take your time when making decisions. You like to think about it and chew on it for a while. Other people are impulsive but you just like to slow down and think of all of your options.” Er. I’m trying hard not to burst out laughing or tell her that she’s not tuning into God’s message too well here. I am probably one of the most impulsive people I know and I don’t ever think things through. In fact, I’ve been told I’m careless and reckless. My mentality is, Life’s too short to waste your time chewing on things. Plus,I’m way too impatient and easily bored. She’s 0-1 so far.
Next, she picks up some shortbread cookies. She looks at the package intensely,seeking answers, and then begins. “Sometimes…Sometimes you just like things to be short and sweet. Sometimes you get annoyed with conversation and just want it to be over with already.” Yes. This is actually very true.Hint. Hint. HINT. Are we done yet? Maybe? Crap she’s picking something else up.
Next, she picks up our new instant coffee and sees the words “Extra Bold” on it. She points and smiles knowingly. “Yes. Right there! You are extra bold! You say things that other people wouldn’t and you always speak your mind. What’s hard for others to say, you just let it all out and say your real feelings….” This is not true at all. I will do just about anything to protect someone elses feelings or my own, and I can count on one hand those who have got a real, angry, or emotional response from me in the past couple of years. Because of this same need to keep feelings in tact and people happy, I sit there with my happy face glued on and nod my head in agreement with everything she is saying. Whenever I must talk I enthusiastically mumble something like “Oh…Right. Yes.. That’s..um…true?” Sometimes I wish I were extra bold. If I were, this would be the time for me to speak up. She really was a sweet lady and somebody must tell her that God and her just aren’t on the same page here. She’s either delusional or the guy upstairs is lying to her. Instead,she seemed very pleased with herself and also predicted my future. (I’m going to be some kind of consultant or something,The Starbuck’s cup told her so.) Her sons then start telling me my bracelets means something or other about molding my life into some shape. My guess is as good as yours. My coworker was absolutely intrigued and gets her name and number for future…future tellings? God only knows. I’m still kind of confused and shocked by this whole confrontation, so I’m moving on now.
(Bad) Reasons why I should have a reality show:
I end this blog with a video list of reasons of why else I want a reality show. (I apologize in advance for the part of this video blog where I’m rocking back and forth with my arms around my knees like a psycho.) Yay!? They are horrible and strange reasons and I highly doubt reality t.v. show scouts will ever meander across my blog, my hey, A girl can dream, right? If I did have a reality show, I’m pretty sure people would just watch to feel relief that their life wasn’t so embarrassingly entertaining. And maybe to also see if the God-fortune teller would make a guest appearance every now and then. She would totally steal my thunder.