Husband brought home a big bottle of wine, our wedding cake leftovers have been moved from the freezer to the refrigerator (I doubt it’ll taste good after a year though.),dude bought me a beautiful desk that I mentioned needing in passing AND is making me a yummy dinner, and we’re preparing for a Vegas trip in a week. Yep. It’s definitely our one year anniversary. We did it. We survived a whole year. There were those who never had a doubt, those who are still rooting for us, and those who didn’t think we’d make it far even when just dating. I’d have to say I’m probably our biggest critic.
Marriage scares me. In a way it always has and I have a feeling it probably always will. I think monogamy is hard. Being with someone forever,in my opinion, isn’t even human nature. We’re never satisfied, you know? I, through life experiences and such, have realized that things never ever stay the same. We change. Humans always want more. Want out. Are never happy. People cheat. I’ve also come to my own conclusion, and I realize that many of you will disagree with me here, that both good and bad people are unfaithful. Scumbags cheat. Good guys cheat. Men going through a midlife crisis cheat. Women who don’t feel loved enough cheat.Cheaters cheat. Idiots cheat. Teenagers cheat. Old people cheat. Carrie from Sex and the City cheats on Aiden with *in my opinion* the stupid Big. Confused people cheat. Christians cheat. Buddhists cheat. Atheists cheat.Rich people cheat. I’m guessing homeless people cheat, though I haven’t been able to prove this one yet. It is, like all other things, a mistake. A horrible,common mistake. It’s made a pessimist out of me, This cheating thing. And not just that. People in general. We turn angry. Beautiful words turn into venom. Sweet nothings into spiteful everythings. Kids are brought into parental messes. Hearts grow cold. Love dies. It’s not just the cheating thing. It’s This relationship thing. This forever thing.
Robby and I have gotten into arguments about it before. I argue that he can’t know about forever and can only live day to day. He swears that he knows and I swears that he doesn’t. I live for the moment and he looks at a lifetime. He feels so certain and it annoys me. I am such a bitch and it annoys him. He’s an optimist and I, try as a might, am not.
Life has taught me to be careful. The things I’ve done to others, The things I’ve seen people do to others they love, The awful words and actions I’ve seen come from two people who are supposed to love each other more than anything,Vows that are completely destroyed like they never meant anything at all. It scares me more than anything. I have committed forever to my biggest fear. But what I so often forget is this: I know my husband. Nothing about him has ever made me question who he is. My husband is kind. He is loving and caring and he is faithful.My husband is faithful. He is patient and caring and he is so different. My husband is not my past.
And still, he’s no saint. We don’t pretend to be that flawless couple (Hang around us for a night and you’ll see this.) He snores. He makes me mad.We argue about stupid things in public. He hasn’t grown up all the way and still gets too drunk sometimes. He says and does things that are inappropriate and weird. I swear he loves his dog (okay,fine…our dog) more than he loves me. He gets lazy. We fight like brother and sister. He always makes me late. And we’re so different.
He likes to stay at home and I can’t stand being cooped up all day. He’s content with just me and I need a ridiculous amount of friends to feel happy. He can brush things off while I dwell on every little thing. He’s to the age where he wants mostly calm and I’m at the age where I want nothing but excitement. I’m restless. He’s relaxed. I jump into things and think nothing through but relationships and he thinks everything through except relationships.He’s easily content and I’m never satisfied.
And I guess this is what amazes me. I’m never happy. I’m never satisfied–I believe no one to be ever truly satisfied. And yet, he satisfies me in a way I’ve never felt before. In his annoyances, he makes me smile. In everything he does wrong, I don’t find myself wishing that he would do it right. I love him because he is a mess. I love him because he loves that I am a mess. Because he tells me what I do wrong. Because he shows me that I could do better.
I’ve never been one to admit my mistakes. That scares me. Showing flaws freaks me out. And I think this is another reason that relationships, in general, give me the heebie-jeebies. In learning someone, you will learn yourself. In getting to truly know every part of someone, you will know every part of you in a way you never did before. I know more about myself now than I had in the nineteen years before I met Robby. I’ve learned that I am selfish. And careless. I’ve learned that I am young and stupid and that my feelings are too easily hurt. I’ve learned that I am too set on getting my way and that I am way t00 stubborn for my own good. He’s taught me this through our countless fights, our head-butts, our apologies, our make-up sex. He’s taught me this by simply living with the dude for two and a half years.
I still don’t believe in just knowing that something is forever. I believe that life takes you down a lot of roads and that these roads come about slowly. I believe that each day a person changes a little and by doing so can eventually change enough so that the other can’t follow . I believe that “I do.” is more poetic than realistic. And this must be where our balance comes in.
Because Robby believes in forever, despite our fights. Robby looks at me in a way that makes me question the fact that Prince Charming is supposed to be a fairy-tale. Robby respects me and cuddles with me and reminds me he is not Prince Charming when he farts too loudly or embarrasses me in front of all his friends with one of his perverted comments while intoxicated. And Robby, despite his annoyances and hillbilly lingo and gross sense of humor, loves me.
But lets face it. Love is something that no one can count on for a lifetime. It’s Russian Roulette. The fact that I’m willing to symbolically put the gun to my head and pull the trigger on something that averages about 50/5o says something. It shows me that our marriage is more than just love. It starts with love, yes, but it’s continued to grow into something so much more than just one four letter word. I’ve learned that love,though pretty sounding, is just the beginning of what a fulfilling and real relationship is for me. It’s a best friendship. A committment. It’s better or for worse and not hitting him in the face when he ‘accidentally’ burps in mine. It’s a man who knows every inch of me, inside and out. A secret-keeper. Somebody I look forward to coming home to after a long day. The cooker of the worlds best stuffed jalapeno peppers. The guy who sings too loudly and always ignores me when I tell him to “Shut the #$# up, I’m trying to do my homework.” The man who can always make me laugh no matter how mad I am at him. The one who can always point out my first hint of the smile I’m trying so damn hard to hide. My future baby daddy. The guy who never ever forgets to ask “How was your day,baby?“, who always says he likes my meals even if I suspect he’s lying, who keeps my head attached to my body, who looks at me with that adoring look in his eye when I say something especially stupid. Somebody who respects me, cherishes me, and tells me when there’s something nasty looking in my teeth.It’s looking at pictures from so long ago and realizing how far we’ve come. It’s the fact that I’m about to start crying as I right this because he makes me so happy and everything I’m writing down is more genuine than I’m used to expressing.Because our memories are so special to me. Because our future is too. Because I’ve had too much wine tonight. It’s laughing over the past and planning for tomorrow even when I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. It’s knowing that something could go terribly and horribly wrong–knowing that people cheat, change, and grow apart and realizing that we are never immune to any of that– and sticking it out anyway. I’ll probably always take it day by day while my husband is sure of forever. And if that’s the balance it takes to get us to 50 more one year anniversaries, Then that’s just fine with me.