I’ve had a fun week–surrounded by friends and preparing for lots more of this for (finally!) Halloween weekend. A couple of nights ago two chick friends came over and we took turns trying on a crappy wig I had originally bought for the occasion. It was a lot of fun to play with,though we came to the mutual conclusion that I will leave the balding blond wig at home for this weekend’s festivities. Since I was leaving it at home for the weekend, I had to get a picture in the moment. Or five. Crystal told me at one point in the night “Girl!…You’re like an Asian person in a restaurant.” Haha. Thanks? I’ve become known for all of the pictures I take. I like to capture every single moment. But there are those occasional moments, forever captured in my mind, that I simply don’t want on film. Ever.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will probably always have moments that are not only stupid, but also very embarrassing. Probably more than most regular people. The stories that make my friends laugh hysterically. The stories my husband shakes his head and smiles and retells, usually because he’s been right there with me. Probably the stories that I will end up telling my kids. I am crazy and Life is funny. It’s sad and it’s tragic and it’s hard. But it’s also funny. And occasionally some of the moments that seem the most awful at the time end up being the best and most priceless kind of Hallmark moments out there.
Two nights ago, for example. My husband usually cooks me his jalapeno/cream cheese/ bacon peppers. They’ve become my all-time favorite dish and I constantly ask for them. Last night, though I begged, he would not make them. He went to the store with me, bought the ingredients, and told me he’d teach me. Hmph. I wanted him to make them. But you can’t win them all and I could tell this was one of those things he wasn’t going to give in to. He patiently told me how to make them and I was doing okay until I cut myself with the knife. It wasn’t too bad and the dude found a band-aid and put it on my finger. I had done pretty good up ’til this point listening to husband’s “Remember…DON’T touch your face” advice. However, at the sight of blood I panic and all rules go out the window. I somehow accidentally touched my face AND somehow also got jalapeno up my nose. It hurt. Bad. These jalapenos were jalapenos from hell. My face was on fire, my eyes were watering like crazy and I couldn’t keep them open,and my nose was oozing jalapeno juices and snot. Attractive, I know. I was, at this point, running around and screaming with an eye twitch and a blotchy red face. Robby suggested lotion and all I could find was sunblock. So now I am running around with an eye twitch, a red face, and 15 SPF sunblock (at 9pm, mind you) all over my cheeks. Husband then suggested I get in the shower, which eventually calmed me down a little bit. I figured since I was already in the shower, I might as well wash my whole body. And this, my friends, is where the story takes a turn for the worse. What you’re about to read is the edited version, believe it or not. This is your warning. Ahem. You’ve been warned.
Somehow the jalapeno that I thought I had washed off of my hands spread to the rest of my body. This wouldn’t have been so bad. Except. It also somehow got to my girl parts. This hurt MUCH more than my face and now, just when my husband thought he got me to shutup, I start screaming for him again. I am now lying naked on the bed with a somewhat burning face and a very burning girl part. Husband starts cracking up laughing at my moaning about the girl part and this doesn’t help so I yell for him to do something that will. He decides putting lotion on it will help. I think this is just an excuse because he’s a perverted dude who apparently takes advantage of my pain, but whatever. I’ll try anything at this point. We try the lotion. It feels slightly better at first. Husband,however, failed to mention that he finished up the peppers and didn’t wash his hands. So he got the demon jalapeno pepper EVERYWHERE on my poor girl part. I am now screaming hysterically because I have never felt a pain like this in my entire life. I am lucky enough to have gone my whole teenage/adult life without any need of Vagisil and I imagine this feeling is the equivalent to needing about 500 tubs of it. I want to murder my husband but I am paralyzed. He tells me to get into the shower and I manage but this makes it worse. Then my dude has another one of his ideas. He tells me to go get into the hot-tub. The broken and free one that takes up our whole garage that he got delivered from craiglist last week. Husband takes me into the garage and smiles and says “Yes! Finally somebody to try this out on.” in his happy little country tone of voice. I consider killing him. He has no idea what excruciating pain I’m in and it’s all his fault. I imagine I will say the same thing one day when I have his child. I get into the cold-tub and he turns the jets on. The water is FREEZING, my husband is laughing at me, and I am completely naked in a hot-tub that doesn’t get hot. But,miraculously, this actually worked. I guess the cold-tub with it’s magic jet-power is good for one thing. Curing jalapeno infested girl parts. This,my friends and blog buddies, is my normal everyday life.
I can’t believe I have a moral to this story. But I do. Life. Life is hard. Life is painful. Life doesn’t care about jalapeno peppers making your face turn red or whether or not your girl parts burn like the Dickens. Life keeps going by when your heart breaks or someone close to you passes away or you lose too much money in Vegas or you are convinced for a moment you will have to go to the emergency room and tell them why you have jalapeno and lotion all over your girl parts. Life won’t dry your tears or make money appear or make a cold hot-tub magically show up when you need it. It just doesn’t work that way. But sometimes it all works out anyway. A friend shows up and helps dry those tears. Someone appears when you need them the most. A boy comes along and changes the way you look at love. Usually the best things in life–Capturing the moment, Trying on an ugly wig with friends, Having a blast with the dude you love around the house,—are always 5 dollars or less. And sometimes, just sometimes, you’ll already have a cold hot-tub sitting magically in your garage. Just when you need it the most. Life is hard. But it’s also magical. Surprising. Fascinating. And definitely always funny. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself to see that. Sometimes you just have to search for the humor. Beneath all the hurt and underneath the pain there’s usually at least one thing to think about that can make you giggle and get you through the day. And what they say is true. Laughter is by far the best medicine I have ever found. Better than Vagisil for sure. What I’m getting at here is this: The best kinds of Hallmark moments, they come in all shapes and sizes. With no warning labels attached and some peppers along the way.