34 ways to be certain that others would love to punch you in the face.

I try to keep my public writing positive roughly 95% of the time. However, it’s almost finals time and the next two weeks are the most stressful of the year for me. Therefore, I’m using my 5%.  And I’m actually trying to help out those who could possibly get injured one day. That’s positive…eh?

34 ways to be certain that others would love to punch you in the face:

  1. Call people “honey” or “sweetheart” in the most patronizing way possible.
  2. Tell people how gross their food looks while they’re eating it.
  3. Inform others that they will eventually be morbidly obese and full of clogged-arteries for eating a double cheeseburger, and will die an early death for not eating enough fruits and vegetables.
  4. Never say please.
  5. Never say thank-you.
  6. Never say sorry.
  7. Especially make sure to never say please or thank-you or even make eye contact or friendly conversation with any one in the customer service industry. They’re not actually people if they’re bagging your groceries or serving you food, right? (Note from me to you:I really think you’re a piece of poo.)
  8. Hit on girls by insulting or constantly arguing with them. (Note from me again: Grow the f#$@ up.)
  9. Quote yourself.
  10. Use the words “freedom of speech” when explaining why you’re an ignorant idiot.
  11. Be one of those guys that somehow convinces themselves, in order to keep us pretty, little dainty things in that head of yours, that girls don’t ever poop. Bubble buster–We definitely poop.
  12. Call yourself a critic. Use the word “overrated” an ungodly amount in one day.
  13. Watch a movie you’ve seen before with somebody who hasn’t; When a part you enjoy is about to come on, exclaim “Oh! This part is sooooo funny!” Repeat at least 37 times.
  14. Decide that anyone who looks, lives or thinks differently than you do is stupid, and treat them as such.
  15. Master the use of backhanded compliments and subtle insults. Use them every time you’re feeling insecure about yourself.
  16. When driving: Never use your signal. Never wave when somebody lets you over. Cut everybody off.
  17. Refuse to admit that you’re ever wrong.
  18. Visibly scoff, eye-roll or laugh anytime someone has an opinion different than your own. If you’re feeling especially charming, try all three at once.
  19. TyPe LiKe THiS!
  20. Constantly mumble.
  21. Fish for compliments.
  22. Don’t ever take responsibility. Blame your parents,friends,spouse, job and dog instead.
  23. Constantly brag about your wonderful significant other to your single friends.
  24. Constantly complain about your awful significant other to anyone who will listen.
  25. Be a Jehovah’s Witness.
  26. Okay, that was too harsh. Let me clarify. Be a Jehovah’s Witness that doesn’t stick to the door-to-door thing. In fact, harass an innocent girl, jogging on the side of the road with a music device in her ear who blatantly does not want to talk to you. Make sure to pick out the really polite and non-confrontational one who doesn’t know how to nicely tell you to go away.
  27. Forget you have other important relationships everytime the new love of your life comes along.
  28. Once the new love of your life is gone, (again) go running back to said forgotten relationships.
  29. Take thousands of pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then put all of them on facebook. Especially the ones where you look like a prostitute.
  30. Post, on average, 10 facebook statuses a day– making every single one of them about how bad your life sucks, or how much you miss your boyfriend, or the recent drama with your baby daddy’s new girl. If you run out of space,don’t assume this means you’ve already said way too much. Comment yourself to finish the rest of your essay of a status.
  31. Judge before you know.
  32. Accuse before you ask.
  33. Self-proclaim that you’re above listening/watching basically anything relevant to today’s media. Tell everyone that Taylor Swift can’t sing, that Jersey Shore is a false representation of Italian culture and that everything on tv today is killing brain cells. (One more note from me: We know.) Claim to only watch the History Channel.
  34. Obnoxiously “Tsk” and “Psh” at people on a regular basis.

22 thoughts on “34 ways to be certain that others would love to punch you in the face.

  1. I’d like to add to #29 – make sure you have “duck lips” in all the photos.

    #6 makes me CRAZY

    It’s taken me about 47 years, and several attacks, to learn to tell people to LEAVE ME THE F ALONE!! Please learn faster, and easier, than I did.

  2. Meg says:

    22 drives me insanneee. I will call you out and tell you it is your fault! So don’t even try your bs with me, people! haha

    33 bothers me sometimes too. Mostly when people are like omggg t swift, miley cyrus, j biebs, etc etc are so awful. Really? Well they’re about 300x richer than you and have about 67946284000000 for fans than you sooo…they must be doing something right.

    • haha yeah i’ve gotten better, i think, at calling people out too. because it’s SO annoying how many people our age and above can’t own up.

      haha and EXACTLY to your second comment.
      we’re almost always on the same wave length,best friend 😛

  3. Chris Tucker says:

    I like the addition of “ducklips” to #29 ROFLMAO omg so true.

    I would add #35, that my hubby (and Ben to an extent) are both guilty of…
    -Interrupt me in the middle of doing something in another room to yell “WHERE’S THE (insert something obvious here like say…ketchup)??” and when you tell them they say “I CAN’T FIND IT” so you stop what you’re doing, get up, get 1/4 of the way there and they yell “NEVER MIND!” >.<



    • – Fellow bag addict here! I have the Kelly Moore Posey Bag, but it’s a ltltie on the small side. I’ve been dreaming about another (I’d say Christmas hint, hint, but that won’t happen). Loved the review. I think I might have to take the plunge!September 21, 2011 4:43 pm

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