As a side note: This one took some contemplating and self-reflection before writing it out. I mostly wrote with my younger self in my mind, and it’s hard for me where I’m at now to be understanding of that girl and not want to strangle her a little bit. Some of the following words may sound pretty harsh,but realize I’m not preaching at you, I’m symbolically attempting to knock some sense into the old me. Ahem.
I remember, after my first heartbreak, all the excuses I made myself believe. Actually, the whole time I was in the relationship I filled my head with excuses. I tried so hard convincing myself that the wrong relationship I was in was right, that I even convinced my reasonable, rational best friend of the same. “Well, I mean, if you love each other and you’re happy together than maybe it is okay…” she finally told me on the phone one night, with a hint of doubt still resonating in her voice. I don’t want to get too into it, but the relationship I was in was never okay. I had watched too many movies that said it could be, and built too many defense mechanisms that couldn’t be easily destroyed. I’ve seen one too many of my friends do the same. It’s a dangerous game to play, because while I was out there building defense mechanisms and watching cheesy love films, I was letting other opportunities pass me by. By lying to myself, I was keeping myself from moving on and was wasting time with my list of reasons why. Here is,in my experience, all of the “buts” that became the easiest to fall for:
- “But he’s broke/still growing up/ busy/ confused/caught in a bind/etc/but he’ll come around.” Have you read the book, “He’s just not that into you.”? If a dude is truly cares for you, you’ll know it. There will be no excuses. I hear that my hubby used to have stints where he was quite the immature asshole. He drank too much and partied too hard. He skipped work on a regular basis. He would stay at home for days doing nothing but playing video games, not responding or talking to anyone. There were random hookups and nights he doesn’t remember. However, whenever he has found a girl he’s cared for, I know he’s at least somewhat attempted to clean his act up. With me, it was a complete 180. He hasn’t skipped work in over a year now. I have to practically force him to come out to any crazy party with me. He’s curbed his video game addiction down to one game on his phone, allowing me to cuddle with him as he plays. Sure, he has grown up, but his growing up is partly because he found someone he thought was worth growing up for (me! ha.). The stories I’ve heard over the years make me wonder how he could even be the same guy. I’ve very rarely seen any of these sides to Robby, and when I have seen tiny glimpses, he’s known for damn sure it’s not acceptable. And he’s fixed it,immediately. If a guy likes you enough,he will straighten his shit without you asking, and he will do it quickly. You should never have to spend your time making up excuses or waiting for him to change.
- “But he loves me/I love him.” Whether you “love” the other or not really isn’t the question. That word is about to start an eye-roll reflex in me because it’s so often a validation for every mistake a girl ever makes. Here is what I should have been asking myself: Is the relationship hurting others? Do my family and friends like him? Does he treat me right? Do I trust him? Is our relationship built on mutual respect? Am I miserable because of the relationship I have with him? Considering all of the answers would have been no except for the last, love seems pretty damn irrelevant,eh?
- “But he knows my secrets/likes/dislikes/friends/inside jokes.” Yes, well, your mom probably does too. Would you date her? And believe it or not, There is another guy out there who can know those same things without using them against you.
- “But he’ll be settling with whoever he ends up with.” I’ve learned this is one of the most dangerous lines to sell yourself because the “Shoulda been me” attitude leaves you with a residual longing and wishing for what could have been. I’ve never heard of a guy saying, “Oh. Well, the last girl I was with was way better, but I think I want to settle and spend the rest of my entire life with her instead!” Smart,decent men (and if he’s not smart and decent, why be with him anyway?) usually marry someone because they think they have found their ideal and most suitable relationship partner. There are,of course, exceptions to everything. (ie pregnancy,etc) In the case that he is settling, that’s really beside the point because he’s still with her and not with you. Playing her vs. me is an unhealthy game of compare and contrast that is only hurting yourself.