No Shame November- Baby Steps.

My best friend posted the above on my facebook wall a few weeks ago. She is a great best friend and is always subtly pushing me to truly express myself, as she knows how hard this is for me to do. I immediately started working on this project, as I knew it would be a pretty difficult one for me to accomplish. Now it’s the last day of November and I’m still not finished. I had a whole heartfelt, emotional blog written only to realize I’m not that ready yet. Guys, I suck at being open and honest about my emotions. When it comes to taking chances and being brave, I can do just about anything–As long as it doesn’t involve letting people know what’s going on in the deepest parts of my heart and junk. That’s scary shit. So I scratched the first idea and am now giving you bullet points of things I normally don’t admit to people. Baby steps.

  • I know why I’m like this. I was taught through actions (and sometimes words) growing up that my feeling or showing emotions was (and still is) wrong, or stupid or bad or shameful. I’m slowly starting to realize that this is a load of crap. I like feeling things. And once I learn how, I’ll probably like expressing them too.
  • I use ridiculous amounts of defense mechanisms.
  • My feet sometimes get really gross and stinky.
  • I often have an unhealthy amount of determination/motivation. I’ve learned the hard way that always getting what you want is not always the best thing for you.
  • Karma scares me. I didn’t exactly make the best or most selfless choices as a teenager, and I often freak myself out wondering if, when, or how those things will come back to haunt me/bite me in the ass.
  • In the past year or so, I have started to vocally forgive and apologize way too easily. I often take on guilt for things that I shouldn’t. I’m beginning to realize that this guilty personality has actually served in protecting me from experiencing any other kind of uncomfortable emotion. If I’m always blaming myself, I’ll never have to admit that anyone else has ever hurt me. 
  • I have a good amount of stored up pain from the past that has never really been acknowledged. For the most part, it’s actually been completely dismissed. I’ve ignored it up until this point, and now that it’s surfacing, I realize that I’m pretty hurt. I’m hurt and I’m frustrated because I’ve been told my my pain doesn’t really matter. And it does. It does matter, and damnit, it is worth acknowledging. I’m allowing myself to feel a healthy amount of anger and sadness for the first time in a long time, and that actually feels really great.
  • The other night I was startled awake, and I somehow convinced myself that one of my best girl friends had died. (Tessa, I’m so glad you’re alive….) I think it might have been residue fear from a nightmare. I may have almost had a panic attack. I don’t like admitting that I’m dependent on anyone, but I would have such a hard time functioning without my amazing support system.
  • I’m learning now that momentarily removing myself from someone’s life doesn’t mean that I’m being heartless or cold. Occasionally, when someone is so far gone, walking away is the only way change will ever come. Sometimes it’s the only way to love them.
  •  On occasion, I would just like to shake certain people/loved ones and tell them that there are much better things to do than being mad and stubborn and holding grudges all of the time. Like being happy and forgiving and living life without the burden of resentments.
  • I cried in my Intro to Counseling class a couple of weeks ago. I rarely even cry in front of my closest friends, and I cried in front of my entire class. A marriage counselor came into speak, and he touched on a lot of subjects I personally dealt with growing up. When I started to ask him a question, I broke down mid-sentence.  It felt embarrassing and humbling and terrifying and freeing and exhilarating. It showed me that I am truly and finally making progress in becoming more honest with myself and with others.
  • It’s still baby steps, but it is something.

17 thoughts on “No Shame November- Baby Steps.

  1. katie says:

    I love your honesty, Christina. You are so brave to write this. Your point on momentarily removing your self from someones life really resonates with me. Sometimes that really is the best way to show someome you love them, and it can sometimes be the best thing you can do for you self. Thanks for writing this blog. It really did make my day! I love you!

  2. You’re young. I know you’re a grownup but honey, you’re still young (meaning the sooner the better).

    Get your arse into counselling — preferably with a PhD (not poo-pooing other therapists but…erm) and do not settle for any who “put you down.” You should feel supported and safe (and…don’t become their counselor; sounds weird but I know somebody who went to one for years and instead of talking about his stuff, the counselor talked about hers!).

    I waited til I was about 30 and I have a lot of shite. You wouldn’t believe this cos I mention abuse on my blog but I *never* spoke of it to anybody til I’d been in therapy for OVER a year (except when I tried to tell my 1st grade teacher and she told me to never speak of it; it would ruin my family, I’d never see them again and may end up in a worse place).

    You’re SO far ahead of where I was at your age–get some professional, safe help. Oh, and I’m not on meds ;p I’ve got PTSD, though. My whole life would’ve been better if I’d had that diagnosis earlier and shared it with ALL medical professionals. Little things like that make a massive difference.

    I hear that you’ve got pain and if you were brave enough to ask a question in class? Girl. I’m so proud of you!

    • I would love to see a counselor! I honestly think everyone should. I’ve seen it make a huge impact in some loved ones lives.
      Thank-you for this comment. Just need to figure out the financial stuff. You’re always very sweet/honest/real/ awesome. 😀

  3. Tessa says:

    “It does matter, and damnit, it is worth acknowledging. I’m allowing myself to feel a healthy amount of anger and sadness for the first time in a long time, and that actually feels really great.”
    AMEN! Doesn’t that feel good? It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to actually be upset by life at times. God forbid this brutal yet beautiful life tear us up a bit and God forbid we shed a few tears. lol It’s so funny to me how people downplay emotions so much…as if they are bad things, but they’re like pooping. They feel really good to have and they’re healthy. It’s good to poop emotionally once a day!
    I love you so much and I loved this post and I’m so happy I’m not dead either. 🙂

  4. Wow… some seriously good growing and self-insight there!

    One of the hardest things I’ve done in my entire life was walk away from the person I loved the most because he had become self destructive & hurtful, and no intention of changing, and if I didn’t walk away I would have followed him down the same path. He died without us ever making up – or me even getting a chance to explain that I still loved him, I just couldn’t follow him. I don’t regret the decision to walk away, it really was the only way to save myself, but I deeply regret never finding a way to let him know he was still deeply loved. I sent a card once but he sent it back unopened. He didn’t want to hear it.

  5. But this is good! You realize a lot more about yourself than I did when I was your age. You have a lot of self-knowledge, and that is great. You also have a lot of good people supporting you, so I think you’re safe, karma-wise. The universe understands that when you’re young, you make a lot of mistakes. That’s natural. It’s when you’re my age and ought to know better that things start to haunt you.

    You’re a smart, wonderful person, Christina. Don’t let your past drag you down.

  6. I’m all about self-preservation and privacy…if it hurts too much to post it publicly, then maybe it shouldn’t be made public. You know? It doesn’t mean that you have to bottle it up inside or not tell anybody…no way. It’s important to be honest and open with the ones you know and love, but don’t feel bad if you don’t feel good about posting it to a bunch of strangers.

  7. What a great post, Christina! Very honest, and real, and NOT a baby step! It tooks a lot to put things out there like that. That’s huuuge stuff, and you should really pat yourself on the back, and maybe even have some ice cream, for that. A lot of your secrets are my secrets too. And it’s okay, once we can acknowledge them.
    It is HUGE to be able to look at yourself, and see things so clearly. A lot of people don’t have the ability or the willingness to do that.
    And I’m always impressed by people who are able to say, “I DESERVE this.” Good for you, lady! 🙂

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