Allowing Myself.

I have had the most wonderful past few days.

Wednesday night was spent with three of my best girlfriends, chatting and laughing (a lot) and eating and drinking and being merry. Tessa gifted me a Half-Price books gift card and two beautiful bracelets. She knew I’d love the gift card, but was worried about buying me jewelry. She knows I only wear accessories if they mean something super special to me. Anything from this girl is something special, and this means I’ve officially added two pieces to my jewelry collection. The whole night left me heading home with my heart feeling completely full. It only became that much more full when decorating the tree with my hubby, whilst also sneaking in lots of kisses and slow-dancing to Christmas music in our living room.  The entire evening felt…magical. Yes. That’s the perfect word.

The next day, Melody, a friend I haven’t seen in years came over to my house. She arrived around 2:30 for our planned “reading date.” We didn’t read. At all. We talked. And talked. And talked. About everything and nothing, for what seemed like maybe an hour and a half. It was 9pm by the time Melody finally made her way to the door. We chatted for almost 7 hours straight. The time kind of just slipped right past us, and in that time I feel we created a friendship much closer than the casual one we had before.

The people in my life continuously amaze me. They’re just so great. They make me feel and think and laugh and just be more. They make me better, and their openness always inspires me to want to be more open too. This year so far, I’ve really made leaps and bounds in opening up to those closest to me. I’m more vulnerable than I’ve ever been. But I realize where I’m at now is not enough. The other day, it randomly dawned on me that I really am holding myself back. I still keep people, and even at times opportunities, at arms length. I make friends easily. I stumble into or seek out opportunities fairly often. Because of these things, this past year has been filled with so much love and so many conquered goals that I am proud to have accomplished. (But that’s for another blog.)

But there’s so much more I’m not letting myself get to. I can feel it. I’m not letting my relationships get as close as they could and as often as I jump into things, I don’t always fulfill them. And I know this is because I’m scared. The closer I get to something/someone, the more likely it is that that something/someone could hurt me. I hate giving that power to anyone else but myself. But I have to. I have to allow myself to go farther. To get closer in relationships. To have more seven hour conversations that leave me feeling more alive. To let others see me cry, and hope that they don’t laugh. To fail horribly. To be rejected. To give others the time and honesty they’ve always given me.  To say how I really feel, when I’m feeling it. To tell others what I want. To let myself know what I want, crazy and impossible as it may seem, and to go for it. If I allow myself to break through my own self-given inhibitors, no telling where this might take me.

Melody said a couple of things last night that really made me think. She first flattered me by saying that I inspired her. I don’t think I got around to saying it, but I feel the same about her. She’s the actress I wanted to be as a teenager but just wasn’t. (Because, um, I couldn’t act.) I was then admitting to her how awful I was at anything arts-and-crafts related and she just laughed and said,

“Well, you have pretty much everything else going for you.”

I guess it’s about time I use that to my full advantage.

My goal for 2012? To stop holding myself back. To allow myself.

22 thoughts on “Allowing Myself.

  1. This was a beautiful post. Proud to have been a part of it, and happy to have you as a friend. I hope this new year we allow ourselves to see more of each other. love you!

    p.s. remind me, when i see you next, to tell you about what happened when i left your house last night.
    also, even though i don’t have a blog right now, i do have an “actress” facebook page you should look up if you want to keep
    track of what i’m doing in that area and when i’ll be in what shows. just search Melody Herron actor.

  2. Great post! There’s always the fear of getting hurt but it also comes with the potential loss of a great relationship! Some risks I think ate worth taking and now that you’ve recognised it, you can take the steps towards overcoming the fear 🙂

  3. This is a really fantastic post, and I completely understand what you mean, you’re not alone 🙂
    Things have happened in my life which have led me to find it really difficult to trust anybody and it’s all about learning when to open up and to which people!
    You are lucky to have so many wonderful friends 🙂
    And you are inspiring! You always seem to lead your life to the full as much as you can and that inspires me!
    Happy Christmas!

      • //..அத வ ம த சத த ற க ஒர வ தம , ந ட ட க க ஒர வ தம , ஊர க க ஒர வ தம , சமயத த ற க ஒர வ தம , சந தர ப பத த ற க ஒர வ தம , ஆள க க ர வ தம என ற ல ல ம ச ல லல ம …//like what Vanniyars do today under the leadership of “Pachondi Ramadoss”. So your cause is not Social cause but to get reigcnosed in the high strata of the society and treat the dalits as they are today.

  4. What a great goal! Especially because it is one of those things that everyone can work on and that can always be improved. You can’t fail at it, because we all get a little better as time goes on. I also love your idea for a “reading date,” but I’m sure if my friend and I did that we’d just talk through the whole thing, too. But that’s what friends are for 🙂

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