Copyright Adam Wright Photography
Early this week in my theatrical performance class, my professor gave a little speech that really stuck with me. She encouraged us to try out for the school play and stressed that once we get a bit older and graduate, the opportunities we have whilst in school oftentimes become more scarce (What with full-time jobs, kids, etc.) She enunciated the fact that we should take advantage of all we can right now, while there’s an abundance of choices ripe for the taking. What she was saying were rules I try to live by daily, but inspired me nonetheless. I had actually already signed up to try out, but this gave me that extra push to truly give said try-out my all.
Honestly, I was terrified. It’s been years since I was in high-school theatre, and being enrolled in a tiny private school, trying out was not really a necessity back then. I thought about it for a while before I finally just stopped thinking and signed my name on the audition list. I memorized a one-minute monologue, went over it probably over a million times, and still thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest while waiting for my turn to audition. Once in there and after reading my monologue, my adrenaline was on super speed after being asked to read other lines and to also ad-lib acting like a chimpanzee. It was insane. I was completely out of my element. I felt the need to cry. And laugh. And run away. And jump up and down and dance and high-five people because I did it. I actually did it.
That’s what trying out was about for me. I know that there are things I’m much better at than acting, and I didn’t go into this expecting to get a role. I did it because I wanted to. Because I love the thrill of performing, if only for 10 minutes in the form of an audition. Because facing fears feels fabulous. (Say that five times fast.) I did this for me. I was vulnerable and scared and shaking and it felt amazing. I all too often wait until I feel I’ve “accomplished” something or am “successful” to announce it to others. But this is me announcing that I don’t know if I got a role. But I accomplished trying out for that role. I was successful in that I went through with something that really,really freaked me out. I am succesful in that I feel more alive and proud of myself because of it. And that’s enough for me.
I have a call-back tomorrow morning. This may not mean anything. But that’s okay. My old-man husband is turning 29 on Monday, and his parents come down tomorrow to spoil us with food and stuff. I have fun nights and adventures planned with friends this weekend. I am doing the best I can at living and fear-facing every day. That’s what this life stuff is all about I suppose. Not always getting everything you want, or accomplishing every goal, or always getting a lead role. But always trying out.