Today my husband randomly asked me, “Baby, if you had to pick one thing that you were jealous of about me, what would it be?”
I only paused to think for a second before replying, “Your ability to not give a shit.” Seriously. It amazes me how relaxed he is, how he simply brushes things off his shoulder and has a smile on his face even at the most stressful of times. Sometimes I’d like to kill him for it, but most of the time, it has more of a calming effect on me.
Husband continued the conversation, much to my amusement. “Cool. If I had to pick one thing to be jealous of about you, it’d be your drive. But I guess you can’t really have drive and not give a shit…Guess that’s why we work so good together.”
I smiled and remembered the time a few days ago he told somebody that I was “stubborn,” “hard-headed” and that “She gets everything she wants.” He was trying to play it off as if this was a nuisance, but his signature big-ass smile gave him away.
Husband knows all too well that if I really want and set my mind to something, dammit, it’s going to happen. (Whether this is more of a fault or a positive attribute is questionable.) But even though I am having the time of my life right now, I will admit that being so driven does sometimes get me in over my head. Right now, for instance. I’m currently taking 15 hours of course work, working part-time, mentoring, working out over three hours a week, rehearsing for a play, constantly diving headfirst into new projects+adventures and still attempting to be a decent wife, house-owner and friend. I love being busy and I’m hands down the happiest I’ve ever been, but I am often exhausted. Succeeding in life has never been a huge fear of mine, simply because I’m one of those crazies who would at least kill myself trying. The faith my husband, friends and family has in me doesn’t hurt either. But I am worried about breathing. Remembering to breathe. I kind of suck at that.
These are the moments when I have to act less like me and more like Robby. He’s great at remembering to breathe. So today I went to Home Depot. This is a very Robby thing to do! Yes. So I went to Home Depot and I bought a begonia and I bought a cayenne pepper plant. I’m going to start gardening. Or I’m going to try. I’d be lying if I said this had nothing to do with conquering a goal and getting something I want out of the deal. One of my new years resolutions is to start a new hobby. But this is something different for me. Something more calm and meditative. A hobby that will allow me to think, and enjoy my alone time and to breathe. Something that has the possibility to inspire and create without going a million miles an hour. I could hate it, It is very possibly one of my shorter-lived projects and I’ll more than likely kill every plant I attempt to grow. But I figure it’s worth a try. So here I am. Starting with cayenne.