Journal Entry: Where I’m At

(A journal entry mostly composed on a beautiful, inspiring Oklahoma morning outside of my bed-and-breakfast. Written 10/9/2012)

New places and faces always inspire me to write, and to reflect, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve learned a lot this year, both about myself and others. This learning has also encouraged growth, and I’m doing some of that too. I am definitely coming to terms with my relationships as of late. I haven’t lost any friends this year, but I have lost some acquaintances; This has made me understand the huge difference between the two. I’m accepting the fact that not everyone is always going to like me–and that this is just fine. It puts me in a place where I better know who I am and what I stand for. It’s made me stronger and more aware of who and what I want in my life. It’s made me realize that I don’t have to feel guilty for disliking someone either. Some people are not compatible with me, some people do not inspire me and some people are simply too negative for me. And that’s okay too. I am allowed, and I am allowing myself to stay away from this now. Because I want compatibility. I want inspiration. I want positivity. I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to feel bad for wanting these things. I’m at a really good place in my life right now. I’m at a place where I feel confident and happy, and I’m at a point where I want my relationships to encourage, not diminish, this happiness. For the first time, I’m seeing that time is too scarce and much too valuable to try befriending and understanding everyone.

In the past, I’ve always justified others actions–believing people cannot be inherently “bad”– by blaming their actions on their insecurities, or their fears or their pasts. What I’m realizing is that yes, these things do greatly affect a person’s being. Like it or not, we are made up our shortcomings. At the same time, it is our choice what we do with our fears, our insecurities, our pasts. We control whether we let these weaknesses consume us, or whether we let them make us better. Our faults are never an excuse to hurt others. I’m learning to stop saying things like, “It’s because his father wasn’t there for him.” or “It’s just because she’s really insecure.” Because we all have our scars. Every single one of us. They come in different shapes and sizes, but it is only human to have hurt.  It is what we do with these scars that counts. It is whether we choose to make fresh wounds for others or to cherish, love on, laugh and heal with them that really matters.

I choose the latter, and I want to be around others who choose and inspire the latter in me. Because life is too short and much too beautiful not to be surrounded by those who make my scars smaller and my smiles bigger.

16 thoughts on “Journal Entry: Where I’m At

  1. Well done realizing this that early in life. Personally I learned it around 30 and it took me another 5 years to implement my personal decision to not allow negativity from others to inflict my life. Some people never learn.

  2. Yes, yes, yes! I so agree. It was really hard for me to realize that not everyone is going to like me and there is nothing I can do about it. And once I really embraced that, I felt so much freedom to not worry so much about pleasing EVERYONE. And you know, you’re right – we have all had hurts in our pasts and it’s really true that how you handle them is what is so important. I definitely still make excuses for people all the time (just like you mentioned)… it’s hard to let go of that. I want to make everyone okay. It’s hard not to empathize sometimes, you know? But you’re right – we are all responsible for our choices regardless of the hand life has dealt us!

  3. Tessa says:

    It’s hard to reach this point. I’m not sure I have just yet, but I do know I’m more comfortable being around brutally honest people/realists. I can get to a very cynical and dark, unhappy place easily and having those people around tends to keep me out of those funks cause they basically tell me, “snap the fuck out of it. You aren’t starving in Africa”.

  4. I’ve never been able to get past a discussion where my aunt had been seeing a therapist who told her all of her problems were the fault of her mother. My mother and their other sister agreed – everything wrong with their lives was all the fault of their mother. I remember bitching that even on the remote chance such an idea was correct, they were all adult women and now that they had their “fault” established, it was time to take accountability for how they reacted and let these perceived wrongs influence their current life. Of course, none of them did. They resented my G-Ma till the day she died.

      • I’m still frustrated that they “got stuck” at blame rather than saying, “okay… now we think we have a cause, let’s act our age and deal with it by MOVING ON.”

      • AnonymousThat does tend to happen, doesn’t it? I feel that there are some frdines who are close, some who are casual and some who, even though we may not be in constant contact, can reconnect at any time like no time had passed at all. There are all different kinds of frdineships, and for me, it’s important to appreciate them all for what they are. ~ L.Z.

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