(A journal entry mostly composed on a beautiful, inspiring Oklahoma morning outside of my bed-and-breakfast. Written 10/9/2012)
New places and faces always inspire me to write, and to reflect, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve learned a lot this year, both about myself and others. This learning has also encouraged growth, and I’m doing some of that too. I am definitely coming to terms with my relationships as of late. I haven’t lost any friends this year, but I have lost some acquaintances; This has made me understand the huge difference between the two. I’m accepting the fact that not everyone is always going to like me–and that this is just fine. It puts me in a place where I better know who I am and what I stand for. It’s made me stronger and more aware of who and what I want in my life. It’s made me realize that I don’t have to feel guilty for disliking someone either. Some people are not compatible with me, some people do not inspire me and some people are simply too negative for me. And that’s okay too. I am allowed, and I am allowing myself to stay away from this now. Because I want compatibility. I want inspiration. I want positivity. I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to feel bad for wanting these things. I’m at a really good place in my life right now. I’m at a place where I feel confident and happy, and I’m at a point where I want my relationships to encourage, not diminish, this happiness. For the first time, I’m seeing that time is too scarce and much too valuable to try befriending and understanding everyone.
In the past, I’ve always justified others actions–believing people cannot be inherently “bad”– by blaming their actions on their insecurities, or their fears or their pasts. What I’m realizing is that yes, these things do greatly affect a person’s being. Like it or not, we are made up our shortcomings. At the same time, it is our choice what we do with our fears, our insecurities, our pasts. We control whether we let these weaknesses consume us, or whether we let them make us better. Our faults are never an excuse to hurt others. I’m learning to stop saying things like, “It’s because his father wasn’t there for him.” or “It’s just because she’s really insecure.” Because we all have our scars. Every single one of us. They come in different shapes and sizes, but it is only human to have hurt. It is what we do with these scars that counts. It is whether we choose to make fresh wounds for others or to cherish, love on, laugh and heal with them that really matters.
I choose the latter, and I want to be around others who choose and inspire the latter in me. Because life is too short and much too beautiful not to be surrounded by those who make my scars smaller and my smiles bigger.