Where The Magic Happens

I often felt, during my first eighteen years of existence, that my life was on pause. I was very sheltered, painfully awkward, completely inexperienced. I look through my teenage journal entries and I can see that I was practically begging the universe to let life happen to me. Talk about getting what you ask for. For the past few years, my life has been a consistent whirlwind of adventures, accomplishments and life experiences. The whirlwind has definitely not stopped as of late. My world has recently been completely consumed by drastic life changes. Within the past few months and one after another, I’ve graduated college, started working my first ‘big girl’ job and found out that I’m a mother-to-be. I’d be lying if I said that having these huge, life-altering things happening so close together hasn’t been stressful at times. Because it definitely has. It’s been stressful and it’s been a little scary too. Luckily, these past few years, I have been no stranger to this stress and fear-facing stuff. I think that this is how it usually should be. That there isn’t much inspiration to be found in the way of stagnancy. That the beauty and wonder of life is often discovered in the scary, stressful stuff. That the great unknown is where the most growth can be sought out. That being a bit terrified and overwhelmed isn’t so bad. That this is, in fact, where the magic usually happens. Yes, there are days where pregnancy hormones are bountiful and I cry for no apparent reason and my husband is left holding the emotional mess of a woman who was once his anti-tears wife. But more often that that, I’ll have these moments where I just feel overtaken by an overwhelming sense of happiness. Where I am completely taken away by how blessed I am. Being overwhelmingly happy and also a little paranoid by nature is an interesting combination. I sometimes wonder if there’s a happiness quota. The past couple of years have been the most joy-filled of my life. I’ve gotten to this place where I just really like my life. My husband. Our home. Our dogs. Our bun in the oven. My car. My books. My job. My friends and family. My hobbies and passions and travels. My goals and the rate at which I am able to fulfill them. I like all of these things a whole bunch. Heck, I even like me most of the time. And so I really hope that there isn’t a quota on this happiness thing. That I don’t use all of my happy up anytime soon. That I can just go on being happy for as long as I so choose to be. I’m thinking that if I can continue to find the good through the uncertainty and the beautiful through the scary, that I may be just fine.

Some happy things lately:

Dog-walk volunteering at my local animal shelter. Look at the face!

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Going on a mini road trip and spending time with family at Robby’s cousin’s wedding.

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Dad-in-law making fun of my above pose:

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Travel planning

Feeling baby move around in my tummy

Work buddies:

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Being listed on the company website:

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A customer I was pestering to take a picture telling her salesman I was “super cute.”

Adorable text messages from sweet friends:

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Being in the works of making a couple of things that up until recently seemed unattainable, become attainable. Tangible, practically.

It’s a happy, scary, magic-filled life indeed.

I’m doing what that song says and scaring myself everyday.

There’s a song I recently refound that has a line in it that just cuts to the core of me. The song (which is also a speech) is called “Everybody’s free to wear Sunscreen” Sounds especially deep doesn’t it? I didn’t think so ’til I heard it read aloud at one of my dorky writing club meets.  The whole thing put chills up and down my body but the one line that I still think about is probably the shortest sentence in the whole song. “Do one thing everyday that scares you.” My heart pounds reading it right now. I looked further into it and it’s actually an Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Smart woman. There are times that people think I’m insane for what I’m willing to do to live up to this quote–and maybe I am. But at the risk of humiliating or injuring myself….. I choose to live as much and as deeply as I possibly can. Sometimes it’s a little risky, I suppose. But I get to feel the free-fall, the rush, the exhilaration and the pride that comes along with knowing that I’m living life to it’s absolute fullest.  That makes it all worth it to me.  Ready for yesterday’s adventures, kiddos?

I asked Miss Emily (above) over text a couple of days ago about my newest adventure idea. Okay, maybe I told her. Something like “Let’s go cliff jumping!” To which she responded something along the lines of “Hell yeah!” This girl is as much as a dare-devil as I am and I knew she’d be all for it.  A couple hours before our plans to jump off of cliffs would begin, I get a call from my friend Bryan. He keeps making plans with me that keep falling through (he’s one of the ones who call me “The Flake.”,dunno why.) and I decided it would be perfect if he came along too. So then there were three.

The adventure begins. On the drive there, I could already feel the butterflies in my stomach. I tried to calm them with some fried chicken, but to no avail. The butterflies were staying. I know I technically didn’t have to do it, but that’s not how my brain works. If I commit to making myself do something scary, I’m going to do it. There is no turning back. We get there and watch a few people jump and decide we’re ready for the easy jumps. Turns out once you get up there, the “easy” jumps don’t look so easy anymore. Watching it is nothing like being up there. I watched everyone else doing this and thought “No problem.” but once you’re up looking down? Gulp. I am, of course, the guinea pig. “Christina…okay..likeomigod….you’re going first.” was the unanimous decision. Emily just got back from skydiving (jealous) and found this more frightening because, as she puts it, you’re trusting someone else to keep you safe when you skydive. Cliff-jumping? That’s all you. It’s also a little frightening because there were once diving boards to jump from but they’ve been removed and all that is left are little metal stubs and a sign that says “Hey,No Jumping,It’s dangerous, and We’ll fine yo ass for it.” (or something like that.) Uh. What exactly had to go down for diving boards to be taken down and a big sign put up in it’s place?  But there was no arguing this, as it was my idea. I had to go first. I got some random teenage boy to jump first to show me it was okay, if you must know. Then, it was my turn. My strategy on these types of things is…Do not think about it too long. If you think, you get scared shitless. If you get scared shitless, you back out. Just jump. So I close my eyes and do it. Jump. My stomach drops a little and then I feel the water. Alright. That wasn’t so bad. My friends follow. We tried this one more time and decided to go for the big jump. Double Gulp.

Right before jumping again I happened to check my phone. Telling the world what I was doing on facebook was probably not a good idea. People are freaking out. Telling me I’m crazy and stupid and their cousin just tore up their arm cliff-jumping. Jeeze.  I was surprised. It’s daring,yeah, but it’s not like I’m putting a gun to my head or jumping off the Grand Canyon, people. As Em said, “It’s not that big of a deal.” I think the climbing,not the jumping, is probably the most dangerous part. There’s a lot of cracks and edges and slippery places; It wouldn’t really be hard to trip and fall at all. We managed to get there safe and sound,all three of us. And again I hear something along the lines of  “Christina..okay…like ohmigod..you’re going first.” There was no little teenage boy willing to jump for me this time so I was all on my own here. And I’ll admit to it. I was terrified looking down. We were up pretty damn high. I wanted my daddy. But in my ear I hear two voices from my lovely friends who refuse to jump first  “Just go Christina, Go. You can do it! C’mon, girl, go. Jump!” My head is telling me the same thing.  Also, my head is telling me, these two are going to feel so bad if I die. That comforts me a little. I jump.  It feels like I fall forever. My stomach is outside of my body. My breathe is caught. I’m still falling. I hope I don’t hit a rock and die. I’m going to get so much water up my nose. It’s amazing that I can think all of this in three seconds. And..splash. It’s a really hard hit (Emily tried to flap away and fly multiple times so she ended up with bruises all over her poor little hands) But it feels good. It feels like water and life and having big balls. There is tons of water in my nose but I didn’t hit a rock. Good. I scream for my friends to come in, and they do. Let’s go again!  And we do.  A couple more times. I couldn’t possibly imagine life without thrills like this. I don’t imagine I would feel like I was really living.  Feeling like you don’t have lungs or a stomach for just a few seconds—Makes you realize what you do have once everything is back to normal. Makes you feel so small in comparison to the cliffs, the water–nature. Makes you feel on top of the world. Makes you a little more alive,because hey, you’re not dead. The three of us left sore,bruised, scratched and worn out—but also happy,brave, and accomplished. I can’t wait to go again. Below is the video of me falling/flapping.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you.”As much as I agree with this quote and live by it, I couldn’t imagine having the time or energy to do something  like cliff-jumping everyday. It took me a while to realize that that’s probably not what Eleanor meant when she said it. By simply living, most of us are doing something once everyday that scares us. Unless you’re hiding under a rock, there are things that each of us come across in our day-to-day life that scares us. Five years ago I refused to talk on the phone at work. I was too shy to make new friends. Falling in love terrified me, because even at 16 I knew how scary loving someone could be. The only way I got over this was realizing, I have to do this. I have to live. I have to force myself into the world. I scared myself everyday until I was able to not only function, but to also be a sociable, friendly,likable person. And you know…It’s still scary. I don’t realize it until I sit down and think about it, but I am scaring myself every single day. I still don’t like awkward phone conversations, but it doesn’t phase me because I’m so used to it. Complimenting random strangers and trying to strike up a conversation? It’s always a risk, there’s always that small chance I might get shunned…and that is scary too. Marriage is scary. Loving someone with no guarantee that we’ll still love eachother 50 or even 5 years from now is scary. Going to a new school is scary. Letting people go and Letting new people in–Scary. Having dreams that may not come true and believing in people that might not always come through is scary. Opening up and speaking my mind, Trying to fit into a tight parking place,Writing a blog and risking spelling ‘too’ or ‘there’ the wrong way and therefore risking a slight panic attack as well, Waking up to look in the mirror to maybe find a new zit on my face, Signing up to mentor a younger kid with no clue what I’m doing; All of it scares me, at least a little. I just don’t even realize, I’m so used to doing all of it; It’s so much a part of my life. Maybe that’s the true definition of fear-conquering. In some small way we all too often overlook, If we are living and doing the best we can, we are scaring ourselves everyday.  For humors sake, I asked a random kid yesterday as we were climbing, “Is this safe?” He replied with “No. It’s never safe. There’s always a chance you’re going to trip or fall the wrong way into the water and die.” Not very reassuring, but very true. The same goes for life. There’s always a chance of tripping or falling,emotionally or physically. Always that chance of never getting up again. It’s a chance we take anyway. Sometimes I just have to do something like cliff-jumping to remind myself of all of this. I also like being told I have big kahunas.